I wish....

I wish I had been born with a different disposition.  I wish I could shrug off the unthinking, hurtful things that people do and say.   I wish I didn't take everything so personally.  I wish I knew how others expect me to respond to things. ( maybe pretending would satisfy them) I wish people could make their expectations apparent and reasonable.  
I wish I could solve the worlds problems and wave a magic wand and have everyone treat everyone with kindness, compassion and mercy.  I would wipe away world hunger and poverty, I would insure that every child and every animal and every person was treated with love, dignity and respect. If I had a dollar for every wish I wished I would be rich.
God  made of me a mother, not only of children but friends and loved ones.  He put me through hard dark times to give me a unique understanding.  God made me with a desire to serve, to be everything that he wants me to be. God made of me a teacher, to reach and teach the heart and minds of students.  God made me in his image to act in a way that allows people to see him through me.  God did not promise an easy road, in fact he promised it would be difficult.
 God's love is sufficient but honestly I wish he'd throw in some armor to protect my heart.
I pray often for the strength to do my job, the continued drive to keep up the good fight, I pray for motivation and wisdom and the ability to reach the unreachable.  God answered that prayer and things were going well.  Then the world put's it foot out and trips you up.
I wish I could say that it doesn't stop me in my tracks.  That is doesn't send me spiraling down into sadness and despair.  I wish I could say " I'm doing the best I can" then just keep my chin up and keep smiling.  I wish....  Truth is it makes it hard to do anything but withdraw.  It is hard do my job and talk with people.  It makes me wonder why I put so much of myself out there for people.
You can do everything in the world to be everything to everyone and it won't be good enough.   Your humanity and your faults will trip you up.  Unthoughtful or hurtful people will try to push you down.  Happenstance and humanness will keep you from perfection.  You will try something new, you will try to do what is expected and it will fail.   If you are me, it will always cut deep.  It will always make it hard to get up and continue.
I will still praise God,. God made me this way but  I still wish I had been born with a different disposition.