The Myth of Marriage

The Myth of Marriage

Most people get married believing in a myth that marriage is a beautiful box full of things that we have longed for; love, companionship, sexual fulfillment, intimacy, and friendship.
The truth is that marriage at the start is an empty box. You must put something in before you can take something out. There is no love in marriage. Love is in people and it is the people that put love in a marriage. There is not romance in marriage. Couples must infuse romance into their marriages. A couple must learn the art and form and merit of giving, loving and serving. In other words the couple must learn to keep the box full. If you take out more that you put in, the box will be empty. If you stay close to God, you will always remember to keep the box full.

What do a lot of people we meet in our daily lives put into their box? They place resentment into the box. They do not talk about their needs, they don’t explain how things make them feel,. They expect their spouse to divine their thoughts and feelings. The spouses actions in many instances are considered to be a slight against them. “He’s/She’s supposed to know what I need, I shouldn’t have to tell him/her!” is the mantra of these people.

They use the box to file away all of the grievances they have with their spouse and use it as an arsenal to blind-side them with when they do something else that does not please them. No incident is too small to be considered a grievous act against them.

They fill the box with hurt feelings anger and unanswered needs.

Marriage that fill their box with all of this negativity become filled with weeds that if left unchecked block out the sun and the marriage dies a painful and needless death.
When the box becomes filled with these kinds of negative interactions, Chances are that it would be difficult for the couple to empty it and replace it with the positives. So what to do to prevent this build up in the first place?

Marriage Encounter can help a couple refocus when the everyday demands take our attention away. You learn a way to communicate that can help you achieve amazing results in your marriage.

Marriage is work. It takes effort to have a good one. Often it takes effort to have a bad one as well. Why are people so willing to put all the effort into the negative? The answer is easy people are generally selfish, self-centered, and self righteous. They think only of themselves and what they perceive as being done to them, always blaming others for their choices, reactions and feelings. Truth be told many people like to play the victim. They like to be unhappy, it’s safe.

The Serenity Prayer can help us in our marriages and help us to understand and make good decisions on what we are putting into our box.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
Change the thing I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I can only change things about me. If I don’t like my behavior, or even my dress size I must change them or realize I’ve made a choice, conscious or otherwise not too. No one is responsible for the decisions I make about my body. No one can make me feel bad or good, these are choices I make.
When I am angry at my spouse I have chosen to be angry, I can chose just as easily not to be. (Granted It takes practice when I have behaved certain ways for my lifetime and them decide to change) .
When my spouse does something and my feelings are hurt, I have chosen to be hurt.
I can not change my spouses behavior, I can not change the fact that the way he throws clothes next to a perfectly good hamper instead of inside. I can not change his character and make him a better person. I can not change all those little annoyances that I allow to drive me up the wall.
NO AMOUNT OF NAGGING will change the situation in any pleasant and permanent way. I can discuss my feelings. “I” statements instead of “you” statements often help here. If our spouse does not feel that they need to change their behavior, or do not make an effort to change their behavior there is nothing that can change that. Our spouse is responsible for themselves and their behavior.
So what is to be done when the spouse will not change. Let is go, pick up the laundry or what ever it is. If it is big, like having an affair, take care of yourself. Talk to your priest, see a therapist, protect yourself and make decisions for your life.






How do I fill it with the good stuff?

First we must understand that love is a choice. Our actions are chosen by us. Only then can we work at our marriage and make the changes we need to improve our marriage
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The effort must be made by both spouses. The couple must discuss this concept with their spouse so that they have an understanding of where their partner is coming from. The couple must discuss ways in which they can fill the box with all of the things they want out of their marriage. They must agree to both work at the goals they have set.

Couples must have mutual love and respect for each other. Even at times when the feelings are not there the actions that are consistent with those feelings should be. .. Actions can translate into the feeling. Having a bad day? Smile! You day will improve I promise you. This works in reverse as well. If you get into negative conversations with people about their spouse on a consistent basis you will begin to think of and have more negative feelings about your spouse. Being in an environment that encourages you to bad mouth you spouse and dwell on their less than stellar qualities is poison to a marriage.

When interacting with your spouse you should defiantly remember the saying, “treat other’s as you would have them treat you”. You do not want to be criticized, nagged, and abused mentally, emotionally, or physically.
Always keep in the front of your mind your spouses good qualities. Surly he has some. When you are tempted to be angry remember that this is a person you love, treat them with love.

Do a loving behavior everyday. A book called “Getting the love you want, and keeping it” Has one of the best ideas. This exercise can be done by the couple. Each day do something for your spouse that is a loving action. Don’t do what you want you spouse to do for you. Do something that you know your spouse likes even if it’s not really in your nature. Do this thing intent on doing it the best you can for the person you love. How about a love note tucked into a lunch bag or brief case?. How about flowers for just the heck of it? How about a back rub or just trying to sit down and listen to our spouse about their day? These actions are gifts that we give our spouse even when we don’t feel like it that will foster intimacy over time.
Be aware of your spouses needs and try to accommodate them as best you can. If your spouse needs down time when he gets home give it to him with a hug and a kiss and a smile on your face.
If you know that your wife needs help with getting dinner on the table, take your time to unwind a bit and then find our what needs to be done to get dinner to the table. Tell you spouse that after the kids are in bed you will need some more time to just relax.

Put the kids in bed by 8 so you have time alone with your spouse. If the dishes aren’t clean, the laundry is on the couch, the bathroom is growing God only knows in the bathtub; just leave it. The chores will be there tomorrow. Will your spouse be?

Go out with your spouse on date night. Wear your best and look your best like you did when you where dating. Take turn planning the night out.

Develop hobbies or things that interest you as a couple.

Do not dwell on the annoying or tedius in your relationship. Always keep your mind and your heart in a loving place when interacting with your spouse.

Can you think of other ways to add good things to your box?

My two cents about marriages that work.

I can't begin to tell you how many thoughts buzz around my head that I think "wow I'd like to give someone my two cents about ...." Thus the name of this blog came to be.
So many people see my husband and I together and actually make comments about how happy we look, or ask us how long we've been married, often thinking we are newly weds. Truth is we have been together for 20 years, 17 of those married. What seems to make us unique is that we chose to be happily married.
I love my husband and he loves me. We are best friends. We enjoy spending time together. We chose to love each other. We make a conscious decision to love the other person. We agree to not put the other person down. We chose to focus on the good. We chose to be commited to each other. We do not disrespect each other, we try to understand the other person, we try to accept where the other person is coming from. We chose to be supportive and loving even during times of stress.
If I complained about my husbands bad habits or characteristics to all my friends I would be making those minor things into huge mountains.
True story: I started a Mom's group in Austin and spent two mornings a week at a local park with them and their children. Some of the mom's were real put off that I had nothing but wonderful things to say about my husband. They would whine and complain about things their husbands would or wouldn't do. The worst complainers got a little snippy about my lack of complaint and insinuated that I must be holding out.. That experience has stuck with me (those friends, not so much) It is difficult to listen to people whine and complain and not give them my two cents. These women were unhappy but they exacerbated the problem by focusing on it. By focusing on what their husband did or didn't do, they were unable to see and appreciate all the things these men did do. They made themselves unhappy.
Marriage may have an 'i' in it, but it is not about I. Marriage is about "we". A person cannot be self absorbed and focused on only their wants and needs. Married people need to focus on what "we" want and need. Does everyone what and need the same things? Of course not. But in marriage there must be compromise. In marriage there must be some common goals as the foundation to build on. As Russell's spouse I need to support his dreams and ambitions. I love the man and know that his dreams and ambitions would never be counter to "we".
We bought a house in The Woodlands Texas right after we got married and moved in two day's before my 27Th birthday. I loved that home, I would walk or ride the trails 10 or more miles a day. I had amazing friends and my son walked down a trail through the woods and past a park to get to school. My sister-in-law was right nearby with a child close to my son's age. When little girls dream of their ideal "happily ever after" this surely was it.
Two years later I discovered I was pregnant with Julie. What wonderful news! I had plans of converting the guest room into the nursery. I would be surrounded by family and friends when the little miracle arrived. Life could not have been more perfect.
A few weeks later Russell accepted a job in Austin Texas. Russell had wonderful childhood memories of the place and was excited to go back. It was sad to leave my home with all it's memories, plans, and friends. But Russell was not happy at his job, he wanted more challenge and the new job would not require an hour and a half commute and came with better pay.
This was a no brainer. Move to Austin with the love of my life who would travel 12 miles to work instead of 40. He would leave the house later and get home earlier. We both love the outdoors and Austin offered alot of neat things to do. Move to Austin with my best friend and start a new adventure. I could have focused on all I was losing and whined and complained but I made a choice.
Later the tables turned. I desperately wanted out of the city. I loved walking town lake with my babies, I loved Barton Springs and all the wonderful outdoor things Austin offered. After the birth of our 4Th child however, I started to want to till up the Saint Augustine grass and plant veggies. I wanted open spaces, I wanted to grow my own food, raise my own poultry and beef. I was tired of A.I.S.D. and wanted a smaller more personal school district. Russell had never spent time in the country and had many, many, many reservations about raising the three girls in a hick town. The price of rural land near Austin was astronomical.
I prayed and prayed for a rural life style and God in his amazing grace lead Russell to apply to a coal fire power plant out in a place called Carlos Texas. Russell took the job and has adapted to the country life. He misses the conveniences offered by living in a city. It takes us 30 minutes to get to a grocery store or a hardware store. He misses going out to eat as often. He knows that I love it here. I have more good friends here that I had when I lived elbow to elbow with people in a subdivision. We have a close knit church family that cares and prays for us. We even have a closer walk with our Lord Jesus Christ here.
Marriages that work, do so because the couple chooses it to be that way. Marriages work best when we are not focused inwardly but outwardly on our marriage. Couples who build each other up and treat each other with kindness and respect have marriages that work. Marriages that have Jesus work. In Corinthians 13:1-13 is the poem of love that is so often quoted. Marriage's that work don't quote it, they live it.