Spare the Rod? Find the Carrots!

Train a child in the way he should go,
and when he is old he will not turn from it.
Proverbs 22:6

What does "spare the rod, spoil the child" really mean? It means that if we do not discipline our children they will be rotten. No one enjoys children who lack manners and are rude and disrespectful. Is the rod a literal stick? Depends: What does it take to raise our children to be responsible, respectful men and women? It doesn't mean we should beat our children in to submission. It doesn't even necessarily mean that parents should spank their children. Spanking is a choice best left to parents. Our children were spanked for endangering themselves or others or for willful disobedience. Time out, when used properly can be an effective tool as well.

Have you ever heard of "using a carrot" to get what you want? Picture a horse pulling a wagon trying to get to the carrot that is suspended over its head just out of reach.
A 'carrot' in terms of children (and honestly employees) is a promise of something good if there is compliance with your wishes. Think of the 'rod' as the consequence for non-compliance.

The 'rod' is anything that will deter a child from mis-behavior or non-compliance. The best 'rod' is one born from natural consequences. If your child does not remember his homework and calls begging for you to bring it or they'll get a 0, do you bring it? The 0 is a natural consequence of forgetting the work at home.
A second consequence of forgetting the work at home could also be a parental check each night that the supplies for school are ready for the next day. This does not mean the parent gets it ready. This means that the child under your supervision packs his supplies. It is not your homework, therefore, it is not your job to pack it.

Seem harsh? What is the alternative? Raising a child who expects you to be responsible for their business? A child who expects you to drop everything and come at their beck and call?
Parents who do not teach their children to deal with life's natural consequences do no favor for those of us who must deal with your children when you are not around.

Let's look at two different children:
1. Little Larry whose parents are just deciding that their little angel seems more like a little devil.
2. Julie, who has been raised since birth with these ideas.

Lets say Larry and Julie want to go to their Friends house. First we will look at little Larry.

Imagine that Larry want to go to his Friends. You tell him that he may go to his friends when he's taken "care of his business:"(any chores, homework etc) Larry is not impressed with this development. Larry does not want to take care of business, Larry wants to go to his friends NOW!. Larry has not learned that the tempting carrot, (going to his friends) is better that having nothing to do. (the rod) Not a thing to do.
Little Larry tries pleading, begging, and whining. Soon Larry is laying on the floor throwing a wall-eyed fit. What are you doing while this is going on? Hopefully looking for the humor in it before throttling the life out of Larry. Do not react, that is what Larry wants. If you react Larry wins! Don't let Larry win.

Contrary to popular theories of child rearing YOU SHOULD NOT TRY TO REASON WITH LARRY. Larry can not reason at the moment. He is intent on getting his way.
Contrary to popular parenting practices YOU SHOULD NOT NAG LARRY. Larry is not a stupid child. Larry knows that you want him to take care of his business. Repeatedly telling him so only fuels the fire.

Two great sayings to remember as Larry is screaming his head off are; "Don't wrestle with pigs, you just get muddy and the pigs like it". The second saying, which I am most fond of is; "It takes a fool to argue, it takes two to make it a conversation"

When Larry is done with (exhausted) his tantrum he now wants to open negotiations. Since the fit did not change your mind and you were so rational he tries a new tack to get his way. He will promise to take care of his business and will even do more. This is where the parent must have great courage and say in a calm rational voice. "I'm sorry, but you have lost the privilege of going to your Friends house today."
Larry is not too exhausted it seems and the fit continues. Eventually it will end and Larry will not be a happy camper but he will be resigned.

Now lets look at Julie. Julie has been raised by this method her entire life. Julie asks to go to her friends. She is reminded that her 'business' needs to be taken care of. Julie says "yes ma'am I've already done everything. Is there a Mama's ask? (A Mama's ask is a chore that is not normally assigned to the child but that the parent would like the child to do.) Julie is such a pleasant young lady. She is independent and responsible. I didn't request another chore and she is at a friends house spending the night as I write this.


WARNING

*If you choose this method, your child may escalate before they acquiesce. This escalation is completely normal since you are no longer affected by their arguing and whining.

*If you choose this method and the next time revert to your old method, it will take longer to obtain compliance from you child the next time. Children are well aware of what the market will bear and if you give in, you have taught your child to push that much harder the next time.

*Starting this method on an older child will take much patience. DON"T PANIC! The sooner you start the easier the adjustment will be for your children.


If you have specific questions regarding discipline issues or would like more information about things you read here please send an email to cathhuff@gmail.com with the subject line Two Cents.