So.... What's your attitude like? How do you respond when life just seems to keep piling it on? Do you whine, complain and tell any who will listen how unfair life is?
Henry Ford is quoted as saying" If you think you can, or you can't; you're right." It can also be said that "What you think, is what you become"
Do you really want to be the person that people see coming and they say, "Lord, here comes so and so, she is so negative!" People like to hang around with people who fill their bucket. People who make them feel good about themselves. Negative people just seem to make the burdens of life harder to bare.
Life is hard and can be "unfair" So what? Get over it!
Getting over it is harder to do than say, but there are ways to do it. You can do it! You owe it to yourself and your loved ones to be a more positive person.
I highly recommend the "fake it, till you make it" way.
Thought patterns that you have nurtured for all your life don't magically go away because you want them too. It takes time and work. Sometimes though you really need to change your attitude and behavior before you manage to change your mind and heart. That is were "fake it, till you make it comes in."
Imagine that your husband has been a real jerk and now he is making an honest attempt to redeem himself. You would like to be forgiving but your hearts not there. Acting kind and thoughtful even when you don't feel like it, will change your heart. Attempt one act of kindness towards your spouse without any expectation for pro quo once a day. You will be amazed that your heart will soon follow.
These ideas aren't new. In a book called "Getting the Love you Want: A guide for couples" There are wonderful suggestions for creating a marriage that is fulfilling for both of you. Of course,
just look in the bible and you see the example of Christ. The bible is an excellent source of information on how to live a happy and fulfilled life!
For teachers who work with very difficult students "fake it, till you make it" works as well, Imagine that there is a child who makes you completely insane! This child is worse than fingernails on a chalkboard...the sound of this child's voice makes you want to wrap you hands around their neck...... (We've all been there.)
You know that you can't respond in a negative way but it's so hard!
So you smile, trying to make it not look like you are grimacing. You are unsuccessful and the child can sense you don't like them and this makes them insecure and creates even more of a problem.
A remedy? Smile as you silently pray for patience. Focus on the child's face right between the eyes, nod you head a few times when they are going on about something you could care less about and continue to pray for love and compassion for them. Ask God and he will change your heart. God has given us his word on that. We can rely on his promises.
Soon you will find that you are listening, that you genuinely care and the child will know it too.
Guard your mind against negative thoughts, guard your tongue from negative speech. Focus on what is positive in your life. Write it down if you need to in a journal, that you can look back at when times are rough. God made us in his image and wants a relationship with you. Put those at the top of your list!
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Friday, October 8, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
The Myth of Marriage
The Myth of Marriage
Most people get married believing in a myth that marriage is a beautiful box full of things that we have longed for; love, companionship, sexual fulfillment, intimacy, and friendship.
The truth is that marriage at the start is an empty box. You must put something in before you can take something out. There is no love in marriage. Love is in people and it is the people that put love in a marriage. There is not romance in marriage. Couples must infuse romance into their marriages. A couple must learn the art and form and merit of giving, loving and serving. In other words the couple must learn to keep the box full. If you take out more that you put in, the box will be empty. If you stay close to God, you will always remember to keep the box full.
What do a lot of people we meet in our daily lives put into their box? They place resentment into the box. They do not talk about their needs, they don’t explain how things make them feel,. They expect their spouse to divine their thoughts and feelings. The spouses actions in many instances are considered to be a slight against them. “He’s/She’s supposed to know what I need, I shouldn’t have to tell him/her!” is the mantra of these people.
They use the box to file away all of the grievances they have with their spouse and use it as an arsenal to blind-side them with when they do something else that does not please them. No incident is too small to be considered a grievous act against them.
They fill the box with hurt feelings anger and unanswered needs.
Marriage that fill their box with all of this negativity become filled with weeds that if left unchecked block out the sun and the marriage dies a painful and needless death.
When the box becomes filled with these kinds of negative interactions, Chances are that it would be difficult for the couple to empty it and replace it with the positives. So what to do to prevent this build up in the first place?
Marriage Encounter can help a couple refocus when the everyday demands take our attention away. You learn a way to communicate that can help you achieve amazing results in your marriage.
Marriage is work. It takes effort to have a good one. Often it takes effort to have a bad one as well. Why are people so willing to put all the effort into the negative? The answer is easy people are generally selfish, self-centered, and self righteous. They think only of themselves and what they perceive as being done to them, always blaming others for their choices, reactions and feelings. Truth be told many people like to play the victim. They like to be unhappy, it’s safe.
The Serenity Prayer can help us in our marriages and help us to understand and make good decisions on what we are putting into our box.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
Change the thing I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I can only change things about me. If I don’t like my behavior, or even my dress size I must change them or realize I’ve made a choice, conscious or otherwise not too. No one is responsible for the decisions I make about my body. No one can make me feel bad or good, these are choices I make.
When I am angry at my spouse I have chosen to be angry, I can chose just as easily not to be. (Granted It takes practice when I have behaved certain ways for my lifetime and them decide to change) .
When my spouse does something and my feelings are hurt, I have chosen to be hurt.
I can not change my spouses behavior, I can not change the fact that the way he throws clothes next to a perfectly good hamper instead of inside. I can not change his character and make him a better person. I can not change all those little annoyances that I allow to drive me up the wall.
NO AMOUNT OF NAGGING will change the situation in any pleasant and permanent way. I can discuss my feelings. “I” statements instead of “you” statements often help here. If our spouse does not feel that they need to change their behavior, or do not make an effort to change their behavior there is nothing that can change that. Our spouse is responsible for themselves and their behavior.
So what is to be done when the spouse will not change. Let is go, pick up the laundry or what ever it is. If it is big, like having an affair, take care of yourself. Talk to your priest, see a therapist, protect yourself and make decisions for your life.
How do I fill it with the good stuff?
First we must understand that love is a choice. Our actions are chosen by us. Only then can we work at our marriage and make the changes we need to improve our marriage
.
The effort must be made by both spouses. The couple must discuss this concept with their spouse so that they have an understanding of where their partner is coming from. The couple must discuss ways in which they can fill the box with all of the things they want out of their marriage. They must agree to both work at the goals they have set.
Couples must have mutual love and respect for each other. Even at times when the feelings are not there the actions that are consistent with those feelings should be. .. Actions can translate into the feeling. Having a bad day? Smile! You day will improve I promise you. This works in reverse as well. If you get into negative conversations with people about their spouse on a consistent basis you will begin to think of and have more negative feelings about your spouse. Being in an environment that encourages you to bad mouth you spouse and dwell on their less than stellar qualities is poison to a marriage.
When interacting with your spouse you should defiantly remember the saying, “treat other’s as you would have them treat you”. You do not want to be criticized, nagged, and abused mentally, emotionally, or physically.
Always keep in the front of your mind your spouses good qualities. Surly he has some. When you are tempted to be angry remember that this is a person you love, treat them with love.
Do a loving behavior everyday. A book called “Getting the love you want, and keeping it” Has one of the best ideas. This exercise can be done by the couple. Each day do something for your spouse that is a loving action. Don’t do what you want you spouse to do for you. Do something that you know your spouse likes even if it’s not really in your nature. Do this thing intent on doing it the best you can for the person you love. How about a love note tucked into a lunch bag or brief case?. How about flowers for just the heck of it? How about a back rub or just trying to sit down and listen to our spouse about their day? These actions are gifts that we give our spouse even when we don’t feel like it that will foster intimacy over time.
Be aware of your spouses needs and try to accommodate them as best you can. If your spouse needs down time when he gets home give it to him with a hug and a kiss and a smile on your face.
If you know that your wife needs help with getting dinner on the table, take your time to unwind a bit and then find our what needs to be done to get dinner to the table. Tell you spouse that after the kids are in bed you will need some more time to just relax.
Put the kids in bed by 8 so you have time alone with your spouse. If the dishes aren’t clean, the laundry is on the couch, the bathroom is growing God only knows in the bathtub; just leave it. The chores will be there tomorrow. Will your spouse be?
Go out with your spouse on date night. Wear your best and look your best like you did when you where dating. Take turn planning the night out.
Develop hobbies or things that interest you as a couple.
Do not dwell on the annoying or tedius in your relationship. Always keep your mind and your heart in a loving place when interacting with your spouse.
Can you think of other ways to add good things to your box?
Most people get married believing in a myth that marriage is a beautiful box full of things that we have longed for; love, companionship, sexual fulfillment, intimacy, and friendship.
The truth is that marriage at the start is an empty box. You must put something in before you can take something out. There is no love in marriage. Love is in people and it is the people that put love in a marriage. There is not romance in marriage. Couples must infuse romance into their marriages. A couple must learn the art and form and merit of giving, loving and serving. In other words the couple must learn to keep the box full. If you take out more that you put in, the box will be empty. If you stay close to God, you will always remember to keep the box full.
What do a lot of people we meet in our daily lives put into their box? They place resentment into the box. They do not talk about their needs, they don’t explain how things make them feel,. They expect their spouse to divine their thoughts and feelings. The spouses actions in many instances are considered to be a slight against them. “He’s/She’s supposed to know what I need, I shouldn’t have to tell him/her!” is the mantra of these people.
They use the box to file away all of the grievances they have with their spouse and use it as an arsenal to blind-side them with when they do something else that does not please them. No incident is too small to be considered a grievous act against them.
They fill the box with hurt feelings anger and unanswered needs.
Marriage that fill their box with all of this negativity become filled with weeds that if left unchecked block out the sun and the marriage dies a painful and needless death.
When the box becomes filled with these kinds of negative interactions, Chances are that it would be difficult for the couple to empty it and replace it with the positives. So what to do to prevent this build up in the first place?
Marriage Encounter can help a couple refocus when the everyday demands take our attention away. You learn a way to communicate that can help you achieve amazing results in your marriage.
Marriage is work. It takes effort to have a good one. Often it takes effort to have a bad one as well. Why are people so willing to put all the effort into the negative? The answer is easy people are generally selfish, self-centered, and self righteous. They think only of themselves and what they perceive as being done to them, always blaming others for their choices, reactions and feelings. Truth be told many people like to play the victim. They like to be unhappy, it’s safe.
The Serenity Prayer can help us in our marriages and help us to understand and make good decisions on what we are putting into our box.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
Change the thing I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I can only change things about me. If I don’t like my behavior, or even my dress size I must change them or realize I’ve made a choice, conscious or otherwise not too. No one is responsible for the decisions I make about my body. No one can make me feel bad or good, these are choices I make.
When I am angry at my spouse I have chosen to be angry, I can chose just as easily not to be. (Granted It takes practice when I have behaved certain ways for my lifetime and them decide to change) .
When my spouse does something and my feelings are hurt, I have chosen to be hurt.
I can not change my spouses behavior, I can not change the fact that the way he throws clothes next to a perfectly good hamper instead of inside. I can not change his character and make him a better person. I can not change all those little annoyances that I allow to drive me up the wall.
NO AMOUNT OF NAGGING will change the situation in any pleasant and permanent way. I can discuss my feelings. “I” statements instead of “you” statements often help here. If our spouse does not feel that they need to change their behavior, or do not make an effort to change their behavior there is nothing that can change that. Our spouse is responsible for themselves and their behavior.
So what is to be done when the spouse will not change. Let is go, pick up the laundry or what ever it is. If it is big, like having an affair, take care of yourself. Talk to your priest, see a therapist, protect yourself and make decisions for your life.
How do I fill it with the good stuff?
First we must understand that love is a choice. Our actions are chosen by us. Only then can we work at our marriage and make the changes we need to improve our marriage
.
The effort must be made by both spouses. The couple must discuss this concept with their spouse so that they have an understanding of where their partner is coming from. The couple must discuss ways in which they can fill the box with all of the things they want out of their marriage. They must agree to both work at the goals they have set.
Couples must have mutual love and respect for each other. Even at times when the feelings are not there the actions that are consistent with those feelings should be. .. Actions can translate into the feeling. Having a bad day? Smile! You day will improve I promise you. This works in reverse as well. If you get into negative conversations with people about their spouse on a consistent basis you will begin to think of and have more negative feelings about your spouse. Being in an environment that encourages you to bad mouth you spouse and dwell on their less than stellar qualities is poison to a marriage.
When interacting with your spouse you should defiantly remember the saying, “treat other’s as you would have them treat you”. You do not want to be criticized, nagged, and abused mentally, emotionally, or physically.
Always keep in the front of your mind your spouses good qualities. Surly he has some. When you are tempted to be angry remember that this is a person you love, treat them with love.
Do a loving behavior everyday. A book called “Getting the love you want, and keeping it” Has one of the best ideas. This exercise can be done by the couple. Each day do something for your spouse that is a loving action. Don’t do what you want you spouse to do for you. Do something that you know your spouse likes even if it’s not really in your nature. Do this thing intent on doing it the best you can for the person you love. How about a love note tucked into a lunch bag or brief case?. How about flowers for just the heck of it? How about a back rub or just trying to sit down and listen to our spouse about their day? These actions are gifts that we give our spouse even when we don’t feel like it that will foster intimacy over time.
Be aware of your spouses needs and try to accommodate them as best you can. If your spouse needs down time when he gets home give it to him with a hug and a kiss and a smile on your face.
If you know that your wife needs help with getting dinner on the table, take your time to unwind a bit and then find our what needs to be done to get dinner to the table. Tell you spouse that after the kids are in bed you will need some more time to just relax.
Put the kids in bed by 8 so you have time alone with your spouse. If the dishes aren’t clean, the laundry is on the couch, the bathroom is growing God only knows in the bathtub; just leave it. The chores will be there tomorrow. Will your spouse be?
Go out with your spouse on date night. Wear your best and look your best like you did when you where dating. Take turn planning the night out.
Develop hobbies or things that interest you as a couple.
Do not dwell on the annoying or tedius in your relationship. Always keep your mind and your heart in a loving place when interacting with your spouse.
Can you think of other ways to add good things to your box?
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Perspective
Perspective is a perplexing concept. The definition is the appearance of things relative to one another as determined by their distance from the viewer. By definition we all have our own perspective. Perspective results from our experiences in life, what we have been taught by others (often without question) and how the thing we are looking at impacts our life personally.
Perspective on BP in the gulf. I see it as a tragic accident (an unfortunate mishap; especially one causing damage or injury) BP did not intentionally cause the accident and is not at fault (blame: put or pin the blame on) They are responsible for doing everything they can to clean up the spill and plug the break.
Listening to the President today he blames BP for the accident, he seems to imply that they knowingly did something wrong and are intentionally not doing everything they can to fix it. But in the same breath says that the federal government is in charge, and has been since the beginning. Of course that is my perspective. This is what I hear when I filter his words through the filter of my perspective.
Perspective on race relations. I read a blog called "We are respectable Negros". I do not see myself in what they write. I do not see my friends in what they said. I read it because I know my perspective is about me and only me and I would like to understand other peoples perspectives.
I want desperately to bridge the huge gulf of prejudice that separates me from some of my kids at school. Wonderful children who come to me and believe that I don't like them because of their color. Precious children who don't have a chance because they believe a majority of the world hates them. Do I blame their parents for this view? the world? I don't blame anyone, I just cry inside for what it does to our kids.
Every year I just sit down with all the classes and talk about it. I have had children Hispanic and Black tell me that they believe that white people don't like them.... So sad.... I agree that there are people like that in the world and I tell them I am sorry. I also tell them that not everyone is that way and I am not that way.
This year a little boy said that he believes I don't like him because of his color. I asked him why. "Because you're always getting on me". The other kids were shocked that he was honest and I told them that being honest is a good thing. We need to talk about it and I needed them to be mature and listen to the conversation. I then looked at the young man and said. "Do you really want the answer here in class, or in private"? He said here and I told him; I picked up the behavior checklist that we keep for classes and I addressed his behavior from that week. I asked if we had rules about certain things he had done. I asked him if I had given him warnings. To both questions he answered "yes." Then I chose a Hispanic boy int the class that sits near him and asked him if he thought I ever treated him badly. I asked the same question about a Black girl and a white boy. To all three he said no. Then I asked him why he thought then, that I picked on him because of his color but not on all these other children. He thought about it for a time and said. "I don't do what I'm suppose to". "Bingo", I said. I'm the teacher and it is my job to make sure everyone follows the rules so we can all have a safe place to learn.
For the next month I would ask him in private if he understood why I had called him out for his behavior when he would misbehave. He says he does. We hug now and we play around sometimes. He seems happier in class and I think he learned a valuable lesson and his perspective will be different from now on. He is just one... I have 50 more......
How do we go about changing a person or peoples perspective? How can we encourage people to stop listening to all the crap that people say and go out and learn about an issue. These are the thoughts that play over and over in my head.
That is my two cents. Always from my perspective of course. Lead by the belief that I should love my neighbor as myself.
Perspective on BP in the gulf. I see it as a tragic accident (an unfortunate mishap; especially one causing damage or injury) BP did not intentionally cause the accident and is not at fault (blame: put or pin the blame on) They are responsible for doing everything they can to clean up the spill and plug the break.
Listening to the President today he blames BP for the accident, he seems to imply that they knowingly did something wrong and are intentionally not doing everything they can to fix it. But in the same breath says that the federal government is in charge, and has been since the beginning. Of course that is my perspective. This is what I hear when I filter his words through the filter of my perspective.
Perspective on race relations. I read a blog called "We are respectable Negros". I do not see myself in what they write. I do not see my friends in what they said. I read it because I know my perspective is about me and only me and I would like to understand other peoples perspectives.
I want desperately to bridge the huge gulf of prejudice that separates me from some of my kids at school. Wonderful children who come to me and believe that I don't like them because of their color. Precious children who don't have a chance because they believe a majority of the world hates them. Do I blame their parents for this view? the world? I don't blame anyone, I just cry inside for what it does to our kids.
Every year I just sit down with all the classes and talk about it. I have had children Hispanic and Black tell me that they believe that white people don't like them.... So sad.... I agree that there are people like that in the world and I tell them I am sorry. I also tell them that not everyone is that way and I am not that way.
This year a little boy said that he believes I don't like him because of his color. I asked him why. "Because you're always getting on me". The other kids were shocked that he was honest and I told them that being honest is a good thing. We need to talk about it and I needed them to be mature and listen to the conversation. I then looked at the young man and said. "Do you really want the answer here in class, or in private"? He said here and I told him; I picked up the behavior checklist that we keep for classes and I addressed his behavior from that week. I asked if we had rules about certain things he had done. I asked him if I had given him warnings. To both questions he answered "yes." Then I chose a Hispanic boy int the class that sits near him and asked him if he thought I ever treated him badly. I asked the same question about a Black girl and a white boy. To all three he said no. Then I asked him why he thought then, that I picked on him because of his color but not on all these other children. He thought about it for a time and said. "I don't do what I'm suppose to". "Bingo", I said. I'm the teacher and it is my job to make sure everyone follows the rules so we can all have a safe place to learn.
For the next month I would ask him in private if he understood why I had called him out for his behavior when he would misbehave. He says he does. We hug now and we play around sometimes. He seems happier in class and I think he learned a valuable lesson and his perspective will be different from now on. He is just one... I have 50 more......
How do we go about changing a person or peoples perspective? How can we encourage people to stop listening to all the crap that people say and go out and learn about an issue. These are the thoughts that play over and over in my head.
That is my two cents. Always from my perspective of course. Lead by the belief that I should love my neighbor as myself.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
My two cents about marriages that work.
I can't begin to tell you how many thoughts buzz around my head that I think "wow I'd like to give someone my two cents about ...." Thus the name of this blog came to be.
So many people see my husband and I together and actually make comments about how happy we look, or ask us how long we've been married, often thinking we are newly weds. Truth is we have been together for 20 years, 17 of those married. What seems to make us unique is that we chose to be happily married.
I love my husband and he loves me. We are best friends. We enjoy spending time together. We chose to love each other. We make a conscious decision to love the other person. We agree to not put the other person down. We chose to focus on the good. We chose to be commited to each other. We do not disrespect each other, we try to understand the other person, we try to accept where the other person is coming from. We chose to be supportive and loving even during times of stress.
If I complained about my husbands bad habits or characteristics to all my friends I would be making those minor things into huge mountains.
True story: I started a Mom's group in Austin and spent two mornings a week at a local park with them and their children. Some of the mom's were real put off that I had nothing but wonderful things to say about my husband. They would whine and complain about things their husbands would or wouldn't do. The worst complainers got a little snippy about my lack of complaint and insinuated that I must be holding out.. That experience has stuck with me (those friends, not so much) It is difficult to listen to people whine and complain and not give them my two cents. These women were unhappy but they exacerbated the problem by focusing on it. By focusing on what their husband did or didn't do, they were unable to see and appreciate all the things these men did do. They made themselves unhappy.
Marriage may have an 'i' in it, but it is not about I. Marriage is about "we". A person cannot be self absorbed and focused on only their wants and needs. Married people need to focus on what "we" want and need. Does everyone what and need the same things? Of course not. But in marriage there must be compromise. In marriage there must be some common goals as the foundation to build on. As Russell's spouse I need to support his dreams and ambitions. I love the man and know that his dreams and ambitions would never be counter to "we".
We bought a house in The Woodlands Texas right after we got married and moved in two day's before my 27Th birthday. I loved that home, I would walk or ride the trails 10 or more miles a day. I had amazing friends and my son walked down a trail through the woods and past a park to get to school. My sister-in-law was right nearby with a child close to my son's age. When little girls dream of their ideal "happily ever after" this surely was it.
Two years later I discovered I was pregnant with Julie. What wonderful news! I had plans of converting the guest room into the nursery. I would be surrounded by family and friends when the little miracle arrived. Life could not have been more perfect.
A few weeks later Russell accepted a job in Austin Texas. Russell had wonderful childhood memories of the place and was excited to go back. It was sad to leave my home with all it's memories, plans, and friends. But Russell was not happy at his job, he wanted more challenge and the new job would not require an hour and a half commute and came with better pay.
This was a no brainer. Move to Austin with the love of my life who would travel 12 miles to work instead of 40. He would leave the house later and get home earlier. We both love the outdoors and Austin offered alot of neat things to do. Move to Austin with my best friend and start a new adventure. I could have focused on all I was losing and whined and complained but I made a choice.
Later the tables turned. I desperately wanted out of the city. I loved walking town lake with my babies, I loved Barton Springs and all the wonderful outdoor things Austin offered. After the birth of our 4Th child however, I started to want to till up the Saint Augustine grass and plant veggies. I wanted open spaces, I wanted to grow my own food, raise my own poultry and beef. I was tired of A.I.S.D. and wanted a smaller more personal school district. Russell had never spent time in the country and had many, many, many reservations about raising the three girls in a hick town. The price of rural land near Austin was astronomical.
I prayed and prayed for a rural life style and God in his amazing grace lead Russell to apply to a coal fire power plant out in a place called Carlos Texas. Russell took the job and has adapted to the country life. He misses the conveniences offered by living in a city. It takes us 30 minutes to get to a grocery store or a hardware store. He misses going out to eat as often. He knows that I love it here. I have more good friends here that I had when I lived elbow to elbow with people in a subdivision. We have a close knit church family that cares and prays for us. We even have a closer walk with our Lord Jesus Christ here.
Marriages that work, do so because the couple chooses it to be that way. Marriages work best when we are not focused inwardly but outwardly on our marriage. Couples who build each other up and treat each other with kindness and respect have marriages that work. Marriages that have Jesus work. In Corinthians 13:1-13 is the poem of love that is so often quoted. Marriage's that work don't quote it, they live it.
So many people see my husband and I together and actually make comments about how happy we look, or ask us how long we've been married, often thinking we are newly weds. Truth is we have been together for 20 years, 17 of those married. What seems to make us unique is that we chose to be happily married.
I love my husband and he loves me. We are best friends. We enjoy spending time together. We chose to love each other. We make a conscious decision to love the other person. We agree to not put the other person down. We chose to focus on the good. We chose to be commited to each other. We do not disrespect each other, we try to understand the other person, we try to accept where the other person is coming from. We chose to be supportive and loving even during times of stress.
If I complained about my husbands bad habits or characteristics to all my friends I would be making those minor things into huge mountains.
True story: I started a Mom's group in Austin and spent two mornings a week at a local park with them and their children. Some of the mom's were real put off that I had nothing but wonderful things to say about my husband. They would whine and complain about things their husbands would or wouldn't do. The worst complainers got a little snippy about my lack of complaint and insinuated that I must be holding out.. That experience has stuck with me (those friends, not so much) It is difficult to listen to people whine and complain and not give them my two cents. These women were unhappy but they exacerbated the problem by focusing on it. By focusing on what their husband did or didn't do, they were unable to see and appreciate all the things these men did do. They made themselves unhappy.
Marriage may have an 'i' in it, but it is not about I. Marriage is about "we". A person cannot be self absorbed and focused on only their wants and needs. Married people need to focus on what "we" want and need. Does everyone what and need the same things? Of course not. But in marriage there must be compromise. In marriage there must be some common goals as the foundation to build on. As Russell's spouse I need to support his dreams and ambitions. I love the man and know that his dreams and ambitions would never be counter to "we".
We bought a house in The Woodlands Texas right after we got married and moved in two day's before my 27Th birthday. I loved that home, I would walk or ride the trails 10 or more miles a day. I had amazing friends and my son walked down a trail through the woods and past a park to get to school. My sister-in-law was right nearby with a child close to my son's age. When little girls dream of their ideal "happily ever after" this surely was it.
Two years later I discovered I was pregnant with Julie. What wonderful news! I had plans of converting the guest room into the nursery. I would be surrounded by family and friends when the little miracle arrived. Life could not have been more perfect.
A few weeks later Russell accepted a job in Austin Texas. Russell had wonderful childhood memories of the place and was excited to go back. It was sad to leave my home with all it's memories, plans, and friends. But Russell was not happy at his job, he wanted more challenge and the new job would not require an hour and a half commute and came with better pay.
This was a no brainer. Move to Austin with the love of my life who would travel 12 miles to work instead of 40. He would leave the house later and get home earlier. We both love the outdoors and Austin offered alot of neat things to do. Move to Austin with my best friend and start a new adventure. I could have focused on all I was losing and whined and complained but I made a choice.
Later the tables turned. I desperately wanted out of the city. I loved walking town lake with my babies, I loved Barton Springs and all the wonderful outdoor things Austin offered. After the birth of our 4Th child however, I started to want to till up the Saint Augustine grass and plant veggies. I wanted open spaces, I wanted to grow my own food, raise my own poultry and beef. I was tired of A.I.S.D. and wanted a smaller more personal school district. Russell had never spent time in the country and had many, many, many reservations about raising the three girls in a hick town. The price of rural land near Austin was astronomical.
I prayed and prayed for a rural life style and God in his amazing grace lead Russell to apply to a coal fire power plant out in a place called Carlos Texas. Russell took the job and has adapted to the country life. He misses the conveniences offered by living in a city. It takes us 30 minutes to get to a grocery store or a hardware store. He misses going out to eat as often. He knows that I love it here. I have more good friends here that I had when I lived elbow to elbow with people in a subdivision. We have a close knit church family that cares and prays for us. We even have a closer walk with our Lord Jesus Christ here.
Marriages that work, do so because the couple chooses it to be that way. Marriages work best when we are not focused inwardly but outwardly on our marriage. Couples who build each other up and treat each other with kindness and respect have marriages that work. Marriages that have Jesus work. In Corinthians 13:1-13 is the poem of love that is so often quoted. Marriage's that work don't quote it, they live it.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Your Children, Your Home, Your Job.
A few years ago a little girl came to the house to spend the night with my girls.In her home this little girl pretty much ruled the roost and was not accustomed to a disciplined home. While in my home she choose to ignore my redirection of one undesirable behavior or another and I had to use my more firm tone to get complience.
After the third time of being ignored by this young lady, I took her to the window that looks out into the front yard. I explained to her that she needed to do as I asked the first time I said it or that, (pointing out the window to the front yard) that was the only part of my home she would ever see again. We would not have her over to play or spend the night again.
I left her in that spot looking out the window for 5 minutes and then sat down and talked to her. I asked her if she understood what I expected while she was in my home (carrot) and that if she chose to disobey Ms. Cathy that she would never be invited back. (the rod) She indicated she understood and went back to play with my girls. The young lady in question had witnessed enough of my interaction with my own children, and knew that I say what I mean and I mean what I say. We have never had a problem with her again.
Would I really have never let her back in my home? You bet!
I raise my children to be respectful, obedient children. Children who come to my home are expected to be the same. I chose what my children are exposed to. Why would I allow another child to behave in a way that my own children are not allowed to in my own home? What message would that send to them?
You too should decide! You are the parent, it is your home. You chose what happens or doesn't happen there.
Children are not stupid. Children will play you if they think they can. It's the nature of being a child. Children push boundries. If the boundries you set move, then the child want to know how far they can push. Children will adjust to the expectations they are presented with.
I know discipline does not damage a child, I know that children will rise to the expectations you have for them, so set the bar high! I know that the use of the 'rod' is why my children are such wonderful people to be around. I know that children want boundaries.
We chose to have these children. We understood the responsiblity we undertook. Children do not raise themselves. We are directed by our beliefs to raise the children in a Godly way. We must show them the path and walk it with them. We cannot just point the way and then go our own.
After the third time of being ignored by this young lady, I took her to the window that looks out into the front yard. I explained to her that she needed to do as I asked the first time I said it or that, (pointing out the window to the front yard) that was the only part of my home she would ever see again. We would not have her over to play or spend the night again.
I left her in that spot looking out the window for 5 minutes and then sat down and talked to her. I asked her if she understood what I expected while she was in my home (carrot) and that if she chose to disobey Ms. Cathy that she would never be invited back. (the rod) She indicated she understood and went back to play with my girls. The young lady in question had witnessed enough of my interaction with my own children, and knew that I say what I mean and I mean what I say. We have never had a problem with her again.
Would I really have never let her back in my home? You bet!
I raise my children to be respectful, obedient children. Children who come to my home are expected to be the same. I chose what my children are exposed to. Why would I allow another child to behave in a way that my own children are not allowed to in my own home? What message would that send to them?
You too should decide! You are the parent, it is your home. You chose what happens or doesn't happen there.
Children are not stupid. Children will play you if they think they can. It's the nature of being a child. Children push boundries. If the boundries you set move, then the child want to know how far they can push. Children will adjust to the expectations they are presented with.
I know discipline does not damage a child, I know that children will rise to the expectations you have for them, so set the bar high! I know that the use of the 'rod' is why my children are such wonderful people to be around. I know that children want boundaries.
We chose to have these children. We understood the responsiblity we undertook. Children do not raise themselves. We are directed by our beliefs to raise the children in a Godly way. We must show them the path and walk it with them. We cannot just point the way and then go our own.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Spare the Rod? Find the Carrots!
Train a child in the way he should go,
and when he is old he will not turn from it.
Proverbs 22:6
What does "spare the rod, spoil the child" really mean? It means that if we do not discipline our children they will be rotten. No one enjoys children who lack manners and are rude and disrespectful. Is the rod a literal stick? Depends: What does it take to raise our children to be responsible, respectful men and women? It doesn't mean we should beat our children in to submission. It doesn't even necessarily mean that parents should spank their children. Spanking is a choice best left to parents. Our children were spanked for endangering themselves or others or for willful disobedience. Time out, when used properly can be an effective tool as well.
Have you ever heard of "using a carrot" to get what you want? Picture a horse pulling a wagon trying to get to the carrot that is suspended over its head just out of reach.
A 'carrot' in terms of children (and honestly employees) is a promise of something good if there is compliance with your wishes. Think of the 'rod' as the consequence for non-compliance.
The 'rod' is anything that will deter a child from mis-behavior or non-compliance. The best 'rod' is one born from natural consequences. If your child does not remember his homework and calls begging for you to bring it or they'll get a 0, do you bring it? The 0 is a natural consequence of forgetting the work at home.
A second consequence of forgetting the work at home could also be a parental check each night that the supplies for school are ready for the next day. This does not mean the parent gets it ready. This means that the child under your supervision packs his supplies. It is not your homework, therefore, it is not your job to pack it.
Seem harsh? What is the alternative? Raising a child who expects you to be responsible for their business? A child who expects you to drop everything and come at their beck and call?
Parents who do not teach their children to deal with life's natural consequences do no favor for those of us who must deal with your children when you are not around.
Let's look at two different children:
1. Little Larry whose parents are just deciding that their little angel seems more like a little devil.
2. Julie, who has been raised since birth with these ideas.
Lets say Larry and Julie want to go to their Friends house. First we will look at little Larry.
Imagine that Larry want to go to his Friends. You tell him that he may go to his friends when he's taken "care of his business:"(any chores, homework etc) Larry is not impressed with this development. Larry does not want to take care of business, Larry wants to go to his friends NOW!. Larry has not learned that the tempting carrot, (going to his friends) is better that having nothing to do. (the rod) Not a thing to do.
Little Larry tries pleading, begging, and whining. Soon Larry is laying on the floor throwing a wall-eyed fit. What are you doing while this is going on? Hopefully looking for the humor in it before throttling the life out of Larry. Do not react, that is what Larry wants. If you react Larry wins! Don't let Larry win.
Contrary to popular theories of child rearing YOU SHOULD NOT TRY TO REASON WITH LARRY. Larry can not reason at the moment. He is intent on getting his way.
Contrary to popular parenting practices YOU SHOULD NOT NAG LARRY. Larry is not a stupid child. Larry knows that you want him to take care of his business. Repeatedly telling him so only fuels the fire.
Two great sayings to remember as Larry is screaming his head off are; "Don't wrestle with pigs, you just get muddy and the pigs like it". The second saying, which I am most fond of is; "It takes a fool to argue, it takes two to make it a conversation"
When Larry is done with (exhausted) his tantrum he now wants to open negotiations. Since the fit did not change your mind and you were so rational he tries a new tack to get his way. He will promise to take care of his business and will even do more. This is where the parent must have great courage and say in a calm rational voice. "I'm sorry, but you have lost the privilege of going to your Friends house today."
Larry is not too exhausted it seems and the fit continues. Eventually it will end and Larry will not be a happy camper but he will be resigned.
Now lets look at Julie. Julie has been raised by this method her entire life. Julie asks to go to her friends. She is reminded that her 'business' needs to be taken care of. Julie says "yes ma'am I've already done everything. Is there a Mama's ask? (A Mama's ask is a chore that is not normally assigned to the child but that the parent would like the child to do.) Julie is such a pleasant young lady. She is independent and responsible. I didn't request another chore and she is at a friends house spending the night as I write this.
WARNING
*If you choose this method, your child may escalate before they acquiesce. This escalation is completely normal since you are no longer affected by their arguing and whining.
*If you choose this method and the next time revert to your old method, it will take longer to obtain compliance from you child the next time. Children are well aware of what the market will bear and if you give in, you have taught your child to push that much harder the next time.
*Starting this method on an older child will take much patience. DON"T PANIC! The sooner you start the easier the adjustment will be for your children.
If you have specific questions regarding discipline issues or would like more information about things you read here please send an email to cathhuff@gmail.com with the subject line Two Cents.
and when he is old he will not turn from it.
Proverbs 22:6
What does "spare the rod, spoil the child" really mean? It means that if we do not discipline our children they will be rotten. No one enjoys children who lack manners and are rude and disrespectful. Is the rod a literal stick? Depends: What does it take to raise our children to be responsible, respectful men and women? It doesn't mean we should beat our children in to submission. It doesn't even necessarily mean that parents should spank their children. Spanking is a choice best left to parents. Our children were spanked for endangering themselves or others or for willful disobedience. Time out, when used properly can be an effective tool as well.
Have you ever heard of "using a carrot" to get what you want? Picture a horse pulling a wagon trying to get to the carrot that is suspended over its head just out of reach.
A 'carrot' in terms of children (and honestly employees) is a promise of something good if there is compliance with your wishes. Think of the 'rod' as the consequence for non-compliance.
The 'rod' is anything that will deter a child from mis-behavior or non-compliance. The best 'rod' is one born from natural consequences. If your child does not remember his homework and calls begging for you to bring it or they'll get a 0, do you bring it? The 0 is a natural consequence of forgetting the work at home.
A second consequence of forgetting the work at home could also be a parental check each night that the supplies for school are ready for the next day. This does not mean the parent gets it ready. This means that the child under your supervision packs his supplies. It is not your homework, therefore, it is not your job to pack it.
Seem harsh? What is the alternative? Raising a child who expects you to be responsible for their business? A child who expects you to drop everything and come at their beck and call?
Parents who do not teach their children to deal with life's natural consequences do no favor for those of us who must deal with your children when you are not around.
Let's look at two different children:
1. Little Larry whose parents are just deciding that their little angel seems more like a little devil.
2. Julie, who has been raised since birth with these ideas.
Lets say Larry and Julie want to go to their Friends house. First we will look at little Larry.
Imagine that Larry want to go to his Friends. You tell him that he may go to his friends when he's taken "care of his business:"(any chores, homework etc) Larry is not impressed with this development. Larry does not want to take care of business, Larry wants to go to his friends NOW!. Larry has not learned that the tempting carrot, (going to his friends) is better that having nothing to do. (the rod) Not a thing to do.
Little Larry tries pleading, begging, and whining. Soon Larry is laying on the floor throwing a wall-eyed fit. What are you doing while this is going on? Hopefully looking for the humor in it before throttling the life out of Larry. Do not react, that is what Larry wants. If you react Larry wins! Don't let Larry win.
Contrary to popular theories of child rearing YOU SHOULD NOT TRY TO REASON WITH LARRY. Larry can not reason at the moment. He is intent on getting his way.
Contrary to popular parenting practices YOU SHOULD NOT NAG LARRY. Larry is not a stupid child. Larry knows that you want him to take care of his business. Repeatedly telling him so only fuels the fire.
Two great sayings to remember as Larry is screaming his head off are; "Don't wrestle with pigs, you just get muddy and the pigs like it". The second saying, which I am most fond of is; "It takes a fool to argue, it takes two to make it a conversation"
When Larry is done with (exhausted) his tantrum he now wants to open negotiations. Since the fit did not change your mind and you were so rational he tries a new tack to get his way. He will promise to take care of his business and will even do more. This is where the parent must have great courage and say in a calm rational voice. "I'm sorry, but you have lost the privilege of going to your Friends house today."
Larry is not too exhausted it seems and the fit continues. Eventually it will end and Larry will not be a happy camper but he will be resigned.
Now lets look at Julie. Julie has been raised by this method her entire life. Julie asks to go to her friends. She is reminded that her 'business' needs to be taken care of. Julie says "yes ma'am I've already done everything. Is there a Mama's ask? (A Mama's ask is a chore that is not normally assigned to the child but that the parent would like the child to do.) Julie is such a pleasant young lady. She is independent and responsible. I didn't request another chore and she is at a friends house spending the night as I write this.
WARNING
*If you choose this method, your child may escalate before they acquiesce. This escalation is completely normal since you are no longer affected by their arguing and whining.
*If you choose this method and the next time revert to your old method, it will take longer to obtain compliance from you child the next time. Children are well aware of what the market will bear and if you give in, you have taught your child to push that much harder the next time.
*Starting this method on an older child will take much patience. DON"T PANIC! The sooner you start the easier the adjustment will be for your children.
If you have specific questions regarding discipline issues or would like more information about things you read here please send an email to cathhuff@gmail.com with the subject line Two Cents.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Parenting is not for wimps
Disipline your son, and he will give you peace;
he will bring delight to your soul.
Proverbs 29:17
The rod of correction imparts wisdom,
but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.
Proverbs 29:15
I attest to the validity of Proverbs 29:17. Anyone who knows my children can attest to the delight that they bring everyone who meet them. I am often approached by strangers who complement me for such pleasant children. Many people believe mistakenly that the kids are homeschooled because of the respect and care they show each other.
Public school is not the problem with our children today. Lack of Parenting is the problem.
Parenting requires work. Parenting involves putting your needs and wants aside most of the time, so that you can guide and teach your children to be productive, respected citizens. In future blogs I plan to talk about specific issues and situations that parents and/or teachers face when dealing with children.
Relevant Bible Passages
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Deuteronomy 6:5-7
"Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right. Proverbs 20:11
"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6
Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death. Proverbs 23:13-14
" Fathers, do not exasperate your children, instead, bring them up in the training and the instruction of the Lord" Ephisians 6:4
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