Your Children, Your Home, Your Job.

A few years ago a little girl came to the house to spend the night with my girls.In her home this little girl pretty much ruled the roost and was not accustomed to a disciplined home. While in my home she choose to ignore my redirection of one undesirable behavior or another and I had to use my more firm tone to get complience.

After the third time of being ignored by this young lady, I took her to the window that looks out into the front yard. I explained to her that she needed to do as I asked the first time I said it or that, (pointing out the window to the front yard) that was the only part of my home she would ever see again. We would not have her over to play or spend the night again.

I left her in that spot looking out the window for 5 minutes and then sat down and talked to her. I asked her if she understood what I expected while she was in my home (carrot) and that if she chose to disobey Ms. Cathy that she would never be invited back. (the rod) She indicated she understood and went back to play with my girls. The young lady in question had witnessed enough of my interaction with my own children, and knew that I say what I mean and I mean what I say. We have never had a problem with her again.

Would I really have never let her back in my home? You bet!

I raise my children to be respectful, obedient children. Children who come to my home are expected to be the same. I chose what my children are exposed to. Why would I allow another child to behave in a way that my own children are not allowed to in my own home? What message would that send to them?
You too should decide! You are the parent, it is your home. You chose what happens or doesn't happen there.


Children are not stupid. Children will play you if they think they can. It's the nature of being a child. Children push boundries. If the boundries you set move, then the child want to know how far they can push. Children will adjust to the expectations they are presented with.

I know discipline does not damage a child, I know that children will rise to the expectations you have for them, so set the bar high! I know that the use of the 'rod' is why my children are such wonderful people to be around. I know that children want boundaries.

We chose to have these children. We understood the responsiblity we undertook. Children do not raise themselves. We are directed by our beliefs to raise the children in a Godly way. We must show them the path and walk it with them. We cannot just point the way and then go our own.

Spare the Rod? Find the Carrots!

Train a child in the way he should go,
and when he is old he will not turn from it.
Proverbs 22:6

What does "spare the rod, spoil the child" really mean? It means that if we do not discipline our children they will be rotten. No one enjoys children who lack manners and are rude and disrespectful. Is the rod a literal stick? Depends: What does it take to raise our children to be responsible, respectful men and women? It doesn't mean we should beat our children in to submission. It doesn't even necessarily mean that parents should spank their children. Spanking is a choice best left to parents. Our children were spanked for endangering themselves or others or for willful disobedience. Time out, when used properly can be an effective tool as well.

Have you ever heard of "using a carrot" to get what you want? Picture a horse pulling a wagon trying to get to the carrot that is suspended over its head just out of reach.
A 'carrot' in terms of children (and honestly employees) is a promise of something good if there is compliance with your wishes. Think of the 'rod' as the consequence for non-compliance.

The 'rod' is anything that will deter a child from mis-behavior or non-compliance. The best 'rod' is one born from natural consequences. If your child does not remember his homework and calls begging for you to bring it or they'll get a 0, do you bring it? The 0 is a natural consequence of forgetting the work at home.
A second consequence of forgetting the work at home could also be a parental check each night that the supplies for school are ready for the next day. This does not mean the parent gets it ready. This means that the child under your supervision packs his supplies. It is not your homework, therefore, it is not your job to pack it.

Seem harsh? What is the alternative? Raising a child who expects you to be responsible for their business? A child who expects you to drop everything and come at their beck and call?
Parents who do not teach their children to deal with life's natural consequences do no favor for those of us who must deal with your children when you are not around.

Let's look at two different children:
1. Little Larry whose parents are just deciding that their little angel seems more like a little devil.
2. Julie, who has been raised since birth with these ideas.

Lets say Larry and Julie want to go to their Friends house. First we will look at little Larry.

Imagine that Larry want to go to his Friends. You tell him that he may go to his friends when he's taken "care of his business:"(any chores, homework etc) Larry is not impressed with this development. Larry does not want to take care of business, Larry wants to go to his friends NOW!. Larry has not learned that the tempting carrot, (going to his friends) is better that having nothing to do. (the rod) Not a thing to do.
Little Larry tries pleading, begging, and whining. Soon Larry is laying on the floor throwing a wall-eyed fit. What are you doing while this is going on? Hopefully looking for the humor in it before throttling the life out of Larry. Do not react, that is what Larry wants. If you react Larry wins! Don't let Larry win.

Contrary to popular theories of child rearing YOU SHOULD NOT TRY TO REASON WITH LARRY. Larry can not reason at the moment. He is intent on getting his way.
Contrary to popular parenting practices YOU SHOULD NOT NAG LARRY. Larry is not a stupid child. Larry knows that you want him to take care of his business. Repeatedly telling him so only fuels the fire.

Two great sayings to remember as Larry is screaming his head off are; "Don't wrestle with pigs, you just get muddy and the pigs like it". The second saying, which I am most fond of is; "It takes a fool to argue, it takes two to make it a conversation"

When Larry is done with (exhausted) his tantrum he now wants to open negotiations. Since the fit did not change your mind and you were so rational he tries a new tack to get his way. He will promise to take care of his business and will even do more. This is where the parent must have great courage and say in a calm rational voice. "I'm sorry, but you have lost the privilege of going to your Friends house today."
Larry is not too exhausted it seems and the fit continues. Eventually it will end and Larry will not be a happy camper but he will be resigned.

Now lets look at Julie. Julie has been raised by this method her entire life. Julie asks to go to her friends. She is reminded that her 'business' needs to be taken care of. Julie says "yes ma'am I've already done everything. Is there a Mama's ask? (A Mama's ask is a chore that is not normally assigned to the child but that the parent would like the child to do.) Julie is such a pleasant young lady. She is independent and responsible. I didn't request another chore and she is at a friends house spending the night as I write this.


WARNING

*If you choose this method, your child may escalate before they acquiesce. This escalation is completely normal since you are no longer affected by their arguing and whining.

*If you choose this method and the next time revert to your old method, it will take longer to obtain compliance from you child the next time. Children are well aware of what the market will bear and if you give in, you have taught your child to push that much harder the next time.

*Starting this method on an older child will take much patience. DON"T PANIC! The sooner you start the easier the adjustment will be for your children.


If you have specific questions regarding discipline issues or would like more information about things you read here please send an email to cathhuff@gmail.com with the subject line Two Cents.

Parenting is not for wimps

Disipline your son, and he will give you peace;

he will bring delight to your soul.

Proverbs 29:17

The rod of correction imparts wisdom,

but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.

Proverbs 29:15

I attest to the validity of Proverbs 29:17. Anyone who knows my children can attest to the delight that they bring everyone who meet them. I am often approached by strangers who complement me for such pleasant children. Many people believe mistakenly that the kids are homeschooled because of the respect and care they show each other.

Public school is not the problem with our children today. Lack of Parenting is the problem.

Parenting seems to be a lost art. Actually, not lost exactly, many people have become so selfish and self centered that they no longer parent. Instead, they give birth and raise it till it can feed and dress itself and then they allow it to let it do what it wants. I use the word "it" because to this type of breeder, these are not gifts from God; a physical manifestation of the life changing love between a married man and women. To them children are an inconvenient thing that they have to tolerate.
Parenting requires work. Parenting involves putting your needs and wants aside most of the time, so that you can guide and teach your children to be productive, respected citizens. In future blogs I plan to talk about specific issues and situations that parents and/or teachers face when dealing with children.




Relevant Bible Passages


"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Deuteronomy 6:5-7

"Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right. Proverbs 20:11

"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6

Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death. Proverbs 23:13-14

" Fathers, do not exasperate your children, instead, bring them up in the training and the instruction of the Lord" Ephisians 6:4